Soul Stripper
by Abbil
Summary: No longer a one shot. Erm.. really not as bad as it sounds. Just some of the random things that go on in my head. Standard fictional characters living in my messed up skull kind of thing.
1. Take it ALL off, Raz!

**Soul Stripper**

First things first:

BLAME MY FATHER!

He was playing Everquest, and told me about a weapon called Soulstripper. Perverted as I am, an idea popped into my demented brain. Partial credit for the inspiration also lies in the Defiance outtakes; specifically Micheal Bell's "Howling Heartstone" comments.

Disclaimer- I do not own Legacy of Kain. I don't even really own a basement. And no, I don't keep boxes of posters from fictional worlds in my home. Duh.

I guess that's about it. Enjoy!

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Soul Stripper

Raziel wearily drug yet another large cardboard box off a high shelf, dropping it to the concrete floor. His female companion rolled her eyes irritably as the soggy thing burst open at his feet, spilling papers halfway across the damp room. She sighed in annoyance at his uncooperative attitude, and began tapping her foot while staring pointedly at the guilty wraith.

He narrowed his eyes as he grumbled, "Remind me again why I have to help you clean up your basement, Abbil? As I recall, it was Elamshinae's fault the pipes burst down here._ I_ didn't clog up the shower drain with feathers." He offered his own sigh as he fetched an empty box. "Because," Abbil drew the word out in a way that suggested this conversation had been repeated many times, "You suck at cards. Really, Raz, if you intend to gamble, you must work on your poker face."

"Then why isn't Kain down here? He lost, as well." Raziel whined, knowing he wasn't getting out of it, but determined to make his taskmaster as miserable as he was. "Bitch, bitch bitch..." The girl muttered under her breath before answering impatiently, "He was intelligent and sober enough to not bet on that hand. Now help me pick up this mess!" Lapsing into a furious silence, both plopped to the floor and began putting the loose papers where they belonged. Not as good at holding a grudge as Raziel, Abbil soon forgot to be angry and started looking at eachsheet before putting it in the new box. One drew a strangled laugh out of her, a large poster with "**Vorador's Mansion--_Come see our hot new strippers!_**" Printed across the top in bold letters. Below that, was a very familiar figure. "Raziel?" She giggled, "Would you care to explain why your vampire self is on a poster for a strip joint?" Raziel's eyes widened in shock as he stared at the advertisement. "Wherethe hell did you find that!" He gasped out, causing his companion to burst out in gales of laughter once more. "So, you admit that it's you!" She snickered loudly. Raziel continued to stare at the poster, his mind drifting back over the centuries...

_(Flashback)_

Vampire Raziel straightened his skimpy costume once more, trying to maintain as much dignity as possible.

It was not working.

"Remind me again why I'm doing such a degrading thing!" He hissed at his younger brother, Zephon. The fifth lieutenant smirked as he answered, "Because you should stick to chess. Honestly, Raziel! If you insist on betting, you really must work on your poker face!" Beyond the curtain on the smoky stage, the announcer bellowed, "And here he is! Give it up, ladies and gentlemen, foooooooooooooor... Hoooooooooooooooooooooooooooowlin' Heartstone!"

Zephon gave his older brother a shove onto the stage and snickered after him, "Knock 'em dead, bro!"

_(End Flashback)_

Hardly able to breathe at this point, Abbil managed to choke out "How long?" "Three months." Raziel murmured into his cowl. This remark brought on a fresh howl of laughter from his companion. The wraith glared at her, but could not put any force behind it. He knew that if their positions were reversed, he would do the same.

Thus, he continued, "It was supposed to be six, but Kain walked in one night." Abbil began cackling wildly, and Raziel couldn't help but chuckle himself as he said, "As you can imagine, we could not look each other directly in the eye for decades."

Dissolving helplessly into gales of laughter, the two of them had to lean on each other for support for several minutes. After finally settling down, barring the occasional giggle, they finished putting away all of the papers.

All but one, anyway.

Abbil surveyed the semi-presentable basement with pride. "We did good, blue boy. Let's go on upstairs. I sure could go for a bite to eat." Raziel sighed at the familiar and irritating nickname, but said nothing. He simply started up the stairs in silence.

"Wait!" The girl called out, "I have to do one more thing real quick." She darted to a shelf and got a thumbtack out of a jar. She then used it to pin the poster up on the wall, grinning like an idiot all the while. "There!" She exclaimed,"Now it's perfect!" Raziel sighed, shook his head, and made his way up the rickety steps, Abbil right on his heels.

The End

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So, what did you think? Was it funny, stupid, or just incoherent? Let me know, people! Please...

If anyone cares, this might just evolve into a multi chapter story. Doubtful, but maybe. Review! Let me know how you feel!


	2. Tunnels and mists and tentacles, Oh my!

I take full responsibility for this monstrosity. I don't know where the soul cake reference came from, so don't ask. sigh Yes, 'tis short. Yes, 'tis probably really bad. No, I'm not going to apologise for it. Reviews would definately be appreciated!

Disclaimer: As is clearly demonstrated by this piece of crap, I am not capable of the genious required to create Legacy of Kain. I just keep mini versions of some of the characters in my head.

**Soul Stripper II: Raz is a Bitch!**

"No, no, _no_!" Abbil screeched loudly at her television set. "Not that way, you idiot!" She viciously twisted the controller she held, punching buttons wildly. "Damn it!" She cursed, tossing the battered hunk of plastic aside in disgust. Enraged, she grabbed the object nearest to her hand and moved to throw it at her Playstation.

"May I ask what you are doing with my cowl?" Raziel asked her, slightly amused. The girl only growled slightly in reply as she tossed it back at the wraith roughly. Muttering angrily under her breath, she picked the controller back up to try again.

"Where do you think you are going, little soul?" The voice of the Elder God boomed out of the speakers ominously, causing both of the room's occupants to shudder. The little Raziel on the screen ran up and up, and 'round and 'round until he finally reached the top of the shaft. Abbil quickly took her hand off the joystick, but little Raz kept going, right off the edge. The girl spun on her emanciated companion, smacking him rudely across the chest. "Why are you such a little bitch!" "A bitch, am I?" The wraith raised the remains of an eyebrow, "How so?" "No matter what I do, you never want to cooperate! I've tried threats, I've tried begging, punishment, sweetness, alone time, constant attention, EVERYTHING! You just don't like me!" Sighing melodramatically, she threw the controller down once more and stormed off to find snackage.

Bored out of his mind, and curious if it really was his miniature self or if it was just Abbil's lack of skill, Raziel picked up the controller. _After all, _he thought, _I DID live it. It shouldn't be too difficult..._

TWENTY MINUTES LATER...

"No! Don't go that way, go _that_ way! ARGH!" His previously good mood having degenerated first into frustration, then anger, and rapidly approaching actual rage, Raziel gripped the controller so hard that the fragile plastic was unable to withstand further abuse; it shattered in his claws just as Abbil came back bearing sweets. "I see you decided to give it a shot." She said mildly, brushing electronics fragments from her seat. "Here, I brought you soul cake." She handed him a chunk of oddly glowing dessert, then pulled a spare controller from a box full at her feet and gave it to her morose seatmate. "You seemed to have the mechanics down pat, you just didn't know how to get where you were going. I guess the game is a bit different from what you remember... Here. I'll give you directions, and you steer._ After_ you finish your cake, of course."

The two of them quickly escaped the underworld with the help of each other. Sharing a rare moment of comradery and triumph, they clinked forks in a toast. "Hey, maybe the mini-wraith isn't so bad after all..." Abbil admitted, "Now, jump up on that rock, then the next, then the ledge. Now jump across that way... Good! Now, hop over to that climby wall." Raziel obediently manipulated the joystick, then glared at the screen as little Raz jumped in entirely the wrong direction and ended up back where he started. "Of course," The girl ammended wryly, "I could be wrong..."


End file.
